How easy that all felt..to see him again after so long.
We broke up two weeks ago. We were both incredibly devastated, although, his reaction was more understandable than mine. I acted horribly, lashed out because of my own insecurities. I convinced myself fully, that he didn’t love me, and in turn when I chose to “point it out”, turns out, accusing someone of not loving you hurts badly. Especially when they most sincerely, love you more than anything.
Since those last two weeks, after months of being difficult, depressed, insecure & weak, I saw the horrible consequences I created for myself. In an unfortunate series of events, I managed to hurt the one man I truly loved with all my heart, with every fiber of my being, and who I knew loved me, because I didn’t believe that his feelings were real.
I started taking anti-depressants 2 months into our relationship, thinking I needed it. I actually went into the doctors office for anxiety meds and in turn walked out, right to the pharmacy to pick up my Wellbutrin. Sure I’ve known depression for quite a long time, but never thought it severe enough to start medication. My anxiety on the other hand, she was bad. The first month since taking it turned me into a monster, adjusting to this knew way of life felt like a bad seed had been planted inside of me. That first day where I had the worst mental break in a while, was the day he told me that he loved me. Seemingly unromantic at glance, but in reality, the most sincere thing I’ve ever experienced. To see me so ugly and desperate, upset and inconsolable, this person thought to himself, “I never want her to feel so lonely, sad, and at loss ever again.” That should’ve been something I held onto to at times of my own personal grief, and every one told me, this medication is not a permanent fix. If you want change, you’ll have to work at it. Although in my tiny feeble mind, even at 25, I thought myself too self-aware and above it, so let it succumb in a horrible manner.
I don’t think I ever even really managed that, not even at the beginning, and after 6 months of taking both medications, increasing the dosage, and yes, SHOCKER, not going to therapy, I found myself the most depressed I’ve ever been, with intrusive thoughts, and the worst pleasure block I never knew to exist with Lexapro. Those things, with lack of accountability when I continually acted disrespectful to my partner, led the relationship down to a doomed end.
The real sad part is, I sacrificed trust, love, friendship and my future because of poor mental health choices. Falling into past relationship behavior (with a toxic ex) and not choosing to see the real issues. All those being me. He is never hurtful, disrespectful, unfair, or makes you feel as if you been put at a disadvantage. Everything about him, to me, and probably to a lot of other people, screams ‘ I AM A LOVABLE, HEALTHY, PERSON.” And I’ll give myself some credit, so am I. Our personalities matched so well, our childhood memories, sex life, humor & gratitude for life aligned. Even our similar depressive episodes, which is why he tried to help me out of mine so hard. I packed him back with hurtful dismissive words. So when the time came to actually apologize, I had to think about all that I’ve done wrong.
First of all, what is an apology? What is an apology to a loved one? What is an apology to a loved one who's suffered trauma, who you shouldn’t make feel dismissed? What is an apology that doesn’t sound, self-centered, hypocritical, and acknowledges all past bad behavior that I have exhibited?
I had to think about all of those things because I spoke with him on the phone, I didn’t want it to be a unproductive first call after the first week without contact. And its a good thing I had it prepared, he answered the call sounding so sad and defeated, I VERY briefly almost didn’t say a word. But instead, I chose to. To have him understand, that I knew I mess-up, didn’t expect any warm welcome back, and to thoroughly thinking about my actions and continue to do so on a DAILY basis.
So hence, here comes this wonderful little blog. I love writing but this just a tad bit easier, I want to document the changes I intend to make & will make in order to be a more respected person.
After two whole weeks of not seeing each other at all, it felt all too easy, and I had the healthiest conversation with a human being, period, about our lives together, EVER. We made a quick guarantee to not get back together thqt should not be anything celebrated over. We will have to think long and hard about the actions we’ve taken, and also where we are to see our lives in the future. And if that involves having each other, romantically, in each others lives.
Although I feel incredibly optimistic, it’s my duty to remain patient, and not to assume what he wants. We’ll do check ins when we feel comfortable to do so, face-time, not in person, and soon close off an end date when we think its time to move together in the future. And never look back…..I never know when that’ll be, which if it be as friends or (hopefully) lovers, I must look to the future alone, and with prosperity, to know that I have self worth — and that the only thing to really wish for, is for luck that it turns out smooth.
